This neediness has been especially difficult to manage because I was single-dadding it until Gwenn got home tonight. As an example, I had 12 kids, 20 team members, and two staff at the beach the other day. It was a lot to pay attention to. But Josiah clearly thought I was at there for one reason and one reason only: to play with him.
I humored him for a little while. I hoped he would warm up to and play with some of the team members, but he turned on the Josiah-charm and starting hitting anyone who came near him. So it was me and him for awhile. We swam, we walked, we jumped in the waves, and it was good. But there were other people to pay attention to and other kids to play with so I started to lay the groudwork for a separation:
"Josiah," I acted like this idea had just popped into my head. "Why don't I go swim by myself for awhile?"
"No."
I was just laying the groundwork anyway. We played some more.
"OK Josiah," this was less a question and more of a statement, "I think it's time for me to play with someone else."
"No."
"Josiah, I'm starting to get a little frustrated that you won't let me go. Can I please go swim by myself for a few minutes?" I was starting to get sturn with him.
"It's OK... you can go." He tilted his head down and stared at me for a moment before shuffling back toward the beach.
Josiah found other people to play with. He had a great time without me. But at that moment the guilt was overwhelming. I could almost hear "Cats in the Cradle" playing in the background (the Ugly Kid Joe version).
So now you think I'm going to beat myself up for not spending enough time with my kids right? I'm not. Nope, I'm sure I don't spend enough time with my kids, but right now I'm concerned about guilt.
Deitrick Bonhoeffer puts it this way: "If any man tries to escape guilt in responsibility he detatches himself from the ultimate reality of human existance, and what is more he cuts himself off from the redeeming mystery of Christ's bearing guilt without sin, and he has no share in the divine justification which lies upon this event."
Avoiding guilt should not be the goal of our lives. I can feel guilty about leaving Josiah to play by himself, but I've got 11 other kids, shouldn't I feel guilty about not playing with them? And even if I can find the time to love 12 kids well, what about the thousands of kids in Jacmel, hundreds of thousands of kids in Haiti, and millions of kids around the world who are in need of a father as well-- shouldn't I feel guilty about them?
Do you see what I'm getting at? And it's not just for me. Anyone who lives a life without guilt is living a false life. They are ignoring all the hurts and wrongs and injustices out there that they should feel guilty about. The rest of us have to settle for following God and letting the preverbial chips fall where they may. For whatever reason (I won't pretend to understand) God has not fixed everything in the world. And while he calls us to be part of the solution to these problems. He doesn't call us to be THE solution-- and that should leave us with guilt.
I guess my point is that what makes us feel guilty should not determine what choices we make. What is right and true should.
Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel
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