Shock and Awe

Very few things shock me these days. I've been through the largest natural disaster in the Western Hemisphere. I've been threatened. I've been robbed. I've pulled maggots out of my dog. I've nursed my wife back to health with a giant hole under her arm. I've dealt with intruders. I've confronted unexplained sickness. I've gone crazy. I've watched my kids go crazy. I've been punched, kicked, pinched, bit, sworn at, spit, and peed on. I've spent more time away from my wife than ever before. I've been lied to, lied about, and thrown under the bus. And its left me in a state where very few things shock me anymore.

Words that come to mind for this condition are callous, numb, or apathetic-- not good words. Even good words for this trait-- stoic or staid-- have a negative connotation. So what do I do with all of this? It reminds me of another list--indulge me for a moment.

I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. (The Apostle Paul)

This all began to come together in my mind a few days ago. A friend was speaking about Paul. He was telling the story of Paul being stoned and left for dead outside the city. Paul woke up hours or days later, walked back into the city, and continued serving the very same people that had stoned him. Of course this story was being told in the midst of a group of people who had been robbed at gunpoint and were figuring out how to continue to serve in the very same community that had allowed it to happen.

And suddenly things started to make more sense. All the gushing letters of encouragment. All the people that are "so proud" of what we're doing in Haiti. They feel about us the way people then felt (and still feel today) about Paul. Now don't misunderstand me. I don't for a minute believe the things people say about us. Just like Paul didn't believe the things that were said about him (read the context of the above quote). I don't think there is anything special about us, just like there wasn't anything special about Paul.

Which brings me to the second half of the title-- I am in awe of the way God chooses to work. The amazing things He did that are documented in the bible are still being done today. And some of them He's doing through me.

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I very much hesitate to post this publically. When I step back and read it, it sounds awefully smug. It reminds me of so many statements by Christians that want to bring attention to themselves without bringing attention to themselves. We wrap bragging in Christian sounding words to dress it up as spiritual.

I hope that I'm not doing that. I don't believe that I am. But if you feel that way about me I'll repeat what I used to have posted on the front-page of my blog:

Please don't judge me on the content of a single post. These are the thoughts that are running through my head and my heart at any given moment and they are all part of the journey. If you don't agree with everything, well, neither do I. But that's not the point. I'm simply trying to give everyone an honest look at the journey that I'm on.

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Right now, honestly, I'm in shock and awe.